So how am I feeling ?

Grief and hope 2 Minutes

It’s not fair !

It’s not fair that you were taken so soon

It’s not fair that we didn’t get to say I do

It’s not fair that I won’t ever be called your wife

It’s not fair that we won’t be able to grow old together

It’s not fair that all our plans won’t be

It’s not fair that we don’t have a tomorrow

It’s not fair

I’m fine

I wake up in the morning and start all over

Hit with reality and trying to embrace it

My honey was taken too soon

Then the self talk comes to play

Like a broken record

“He is with God.. I will see my honey again”

As the tears roll down my cheek

I wipe my tears off my face as I force an ‘I’m fine’ look

Hummmm, what is an ‘I’m fine look?’

 

I paint a smile on my face… my makeup is all made up and

My hair is fixed

I put on a nice outfit

And I can’t forget my heels.

Okay .. I am set…Let’s do this.. “ I can do this”.

Shoulders back

Deep breath

Let’s do this

And then …..

 

 

How are you ?

“I am fine”

Hummmm

Inside, I am about to explode and then the ‘self talk’ comes into play once again. Like it’s my best friend.

Heaviness just floods my heart

It’s hard to breath… all along .. I am doing that ‘self talk’

Take a Deep breath…

Okay, you will be fine.. I will see my honey again

Just Breath

Wipe your tears

But, it’s not fair

I was suppose to marry my honey

We loved each other so much…

It’s not suppose to be like this…

Breath…. just breath

How can I live without you

God give me the strength ..

 

I look in the mirror… Okay , do I look like I was crying

I can’t have anyone see that I’m crying

Okay…

Let’s do this

I’m fine

I just have to get through the day…

But wait then there’s the evening.. and then bedtime…

Only to wake up to

‘I’m fine ‘

and

to play it out over and over each new day …

‘I’m fine’

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Published by grievenhope

I would like to give you a little back ground history of how I ended up here... I am 51 years old, a Nurse Practitioner, a mother of three awesome young men. I have had two failed attempts in marriage and finally found 'unconditional love' . I fell in love with my friend of 16 years... I never realized that 'my love' was right in front of me all this time . He had been divorced for 5 years and it wasn't until his divorce and mine that we realized we were each others soul mates. Dale, was one of a kind.. he was respectful towards me and so loving and most importantly a God fearing man. We became boyfriend and girlfriend and then we soon became engaged. He asked me to marry him in front of the Seattle city lights. It was so romantic.. the lights gleaming on the lake as we stood at Gas Works Park right in front of Lake Union . So fast forward.. July 27, 2017 was my honey's birthday- he turned 52! A very healthy person who ran most of his life. I asked him what he wanted to do on his birthday and he had asked if we could go see wedding venues. So we saw three different wedding venues . Later , that evening my heart broke... he had a sudden heart attack and died . I have been through a long unwanted journey and it seems everyday is a day I spend grieving with HOPE! I created this blog to share my story in hopes that maybe one day my grief and despair / journey will help at least one person ...

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